the us in you and me

a ugandan schoolgirl

2012-01-31T18:39:00.000-08:00

"If I tell you, you cannot feel the pain of this suffering, if you do not see it physically. If you only glance at it, a sword will pierce your heart."

i hope this is the case. i really pray that it is.
i don't want to go numb.

2012-01-27T16:15:00.001-08:00

one of the sweetest i've heard in some time.

2012-01-26T15:06:00.000-08:00

there's something about this.
something honest,
something bare,
something (too) nostalgic.
i can't explain it.

Reminder: The More You Know, The Less You Need.

2012-01-26T12:44:00.000-08:00

perishable.
that's a loaded word.

Surpised by Joy

2012-01-24T21:11:00.001-08:00

cos you know best.

2012-01-23T23:57:00.000-08:00

"And even if this person bugs you 60 percent of the time,
well, you still can't live without him.
And even if he wakes you every day by sneezing right in your face,
well, you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

hm.

2012-01-19T23:22:00.000-08:00

nothing changes if nothing changes.

Reminder: Hold Things In Tension, Not In Isolation

2012-01-13T17:44:00.000-08:00

increase my box.

Circles.

2012-01-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

circles are the most beautiful of shapes. they're perfect, they're balanced, they bear neither beginning nor end.

the nature of today and the obscurity of that last statement makes it winsome and wearisome at the same time. much like all other mysteries.

cycles. cyclical cycles. i'm lost. i'm found. i should not know where i am. and i don't. but i do.

here.

always in the same place, always the beginning.

(the course is always different though... aint it?)

Letters I Never Penned no. 3

2011-12-27T17:57:00.000-08:00

dear nights,

i cleaned my room today. i don't clean every day, i clean once every couple of months. and i always end up with a couple trash bags full of stuff. stuff that i once calculatedly decided to keep.

it's strange... things that once mattered, no long matter anymore. i distinctly remember choosing to keep certain items because they held value. utility, nostalgia, keepsake. but, today, they're sitting in a trash bag. did it change? did i change? what changed? something changed.

i don't like change like this. change i don't notice until much later. when i'm unaware, i feel like someone or something did a number on me. that, somewhere along the line, i was fooled. but what's most likely is that i fooled myself. i ignored it or i ran away, i don't know. well, actually, i do. i didn't do much of anything. that always seems to be the problem.

how many people do you meet in your lifetime that you feel fully comfortable with, people you don't have to pretend with? maybe a handful... if you're lucky.

we could have reached it.

today, i've built piles of trash, but you're still worth too much for me to put you in with the others. maybe next time around, i'll find it in me to do things differently. i hope so.

love,

Mild Synesthesia

2011-12-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

i've known it a handful of times- the extraordinary thing when scent gives birth to memories. it's always coupled with a bit of uneasiness though, grappling with the idea that something so distant could be made so close in a matter of seconds... in that moment, no one could tell me time travel wasn't possible... cos i'm already long gone, elsewhere.

it's escaped me for some time now. and though everything screams no, it's a good thing... this is a good thing.

2011-12-13T11:02:00.000-08:00

it's routine. words are served and my mind eats them up, and then some law works its magic and i'm full. but not yours. somewhere between consumption and digestion, yours cling to me or i hold on... i'm not too sure. either way, yours are never easy.

Reminder: Take heed to be neither weak before the powerful nor powerful before the weak.

2011-11-03T19:30:00.000-07:00

Lionhearted, righteous rebellion.
Quiet, attentive humility.

...a lifetime's preoccupation.

i've lost touch

2011-11-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

what have i done

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

2011-10-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

"This violence is for a world that has lost its imagination."

2011-10-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

God, reinvigorate our minds, cause us to dream...

"For your Maker is your husband..."

2011-10-03T17:27:00.000-07:00

only one for me!

2011-09-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

4:00 is my fave :)
so precious, so ingenuous :)
i'm alllll smiles :):):)

Reminder: Invest Heavily, Draw Deeply.

2011-09-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

Martha&Mary.
I must find the balance!!!

Oh james...

2011-09-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

When my ears are pleased, I am pleased.
I'm smitten by the sound of this... Beaaauuttyyyyy

http://www.kcrw.com/music/programs/mb/mb110919james_blake

23

2011-09-19T01:32:00.000-07:00

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

was praying, and got this. this is my prayer. i want it, all of it... hehe selfish :)

oi.

2011-09-13T18:59:00.001-07:00

cos you were born to be loved and i was born to love you.

stopping and fixing my eyes there.

Letters I Never Penned no. 2

2011-09-12T00:14:00.000-07:00

dear 5,

in a lot of ways, goodbyes are as precious as reunions. there's more than enough room for growth. but, when it's time to go, goodbyes grow to be too big and central and overwhelming and suddenly growth is no longer welcome.

like that one time in the stairway. i was two sets of stairs away from leaving you when, click, everything paused (and then proceeded to fall... apart).

i've said plenty of goodbyes before, but i never knew loneliness like this. i suppose i always look(ed) away.

sometimes i wonder if heartbreak is all imagined. how could something so palpable, so deep in the heart of you, be so ineffable? everyone always says the same thing- the words escape you. it doesn't make sense, all of this. the sore is so present, so raw, so delicate... and not a word can be mustered? it just doesn't make sense.

in any case, my heart broke. i've never wanted to scream out of sadness until that moment. i've never felt so heavy. i've never felt so small. i wanted to run back up those stairs. i did. i promise you, i did... until i remembered that i was more important than everyone else and that my preservation was worth more than bearing someone else's burden- silence.

nothing ensued except the echoes of my steps out the door.

i've replayed the scene more times than i can count. in my head, i run back up those stairs.

but it's all in my head. i should have run back up those stairs.

vanity of vanities.

it's all too clear now. i'm sorry.

love,

2011-08-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

proven: when light passes through a prism, a spectrum of colors comes forth.

reality: there's only one color being emitted. most of the time it's blue.

11 Things To Know At 25(ish).

2011-08-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

i've thought about these for the past month. still lots to think about... but, more importantly, apply.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/25956-11-things-to-know-at-25ish

Letters I Never Penned no. 1

2011-07-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

dear boy in the skirt,

it went a little something like this.

a smile brewed and warmed me- forthcoming, yes, but still just an echo of the joy that wrapped me. echoes can only say so much.

it all happened so fast. no sooner was i covered than my thoughts laid bare. small sips to aid in the digestion process... but who, tell me who, said everything could be stomached?

innocence is endearing. we've all glimpsed her. if only the train stopped there... but it rattles, it clunks, it travels. onward. innocence is fostered, she costs a whole lot, everyone wants a piece of her, and she's got everything to lose. she's vulnerable.

dearth is what it was. it didn't matter that skirts were meant for girls- a pink one, no less. for all you knew, clothes weren't gender specific, they were utilitarian. in a lot of ways you were, and still are, further along than the most of us.

and then the cup grew cold and i couldn't figure out whether or not i had just enjoyed something at the expense of another. of you. i still don't know.

i will tell you this, though. much of what i love found its first home in you- there was peace and i was safe and so i stayed.

i'm still here you know.

for you, here. for him, there.

love,

2011-07-05T19:27:00.001-07:00

Washed Out

2011-06-27T01:12:00.000-07:00

GOOD.

Los angeles-to-New York bike path?

2011-06-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, please.
(just need four months for it)

Reminder: Not Every Love Story Is A Romance.

2011-06-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

... and not every romance is a love story.
most importantly: not every failed romance is a failed love story.
because some things never take off and some things just fizzle.
but love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love.
(and there's the flippin rub.)

the past in the present

2011-06-16T19:59:00.001-07:00

http://dearphotograph.com/

nostalgia, ULTRA

2011-06-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

mmmelting

2011-06-12T21:19:00.001-07:00

Stay Sweet.
(so sweet!)

Reminder: It's Never Too Late To Start Again.

2011-06-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

It's okay to be fragmented.
It's okay to be Beginners.

2011-06-03T02:34:00.000-07:00

Reminder: Just Create. Something... Anything.

2011-05-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

A space, a safe place, a painting, a new dance move, a tune, trust, anything.

Creating is intrinsically beautiful cos it takes barely-sweet nothings, flickers that hold you just long enough that you pause and consider them, endearingly awkward and messy, and gives rather-sweet somethings, once flickers, now bright lights, still awkward and messy, but just a little more sure.

I'm only just discovering the joys of it- Flashes of snapshots. Brief clarity. Glimpses into your youthful and ingenuous delight in man. Recognizing that the process is slow, yes, but it is sure... that the photograph is being developed.

Do you see it? I love glimpses.

(i'd like to think that this is for example's sake, but who am i kidding. it's cos i can't stop listening to this. i introduce to you, jessie j. Besides her magical pipes, she's a loose unit and it's refreshing- listen here:)

when I was a confused teenager...

2011-05-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

truth is so funny (not really). it's this elusive thing, a notion that just runs, runs away of course... yet everyone keeps on chasing it. in theory, everything is truth. but, outside of the media designed to fill the hungry gaps in our lives, outside of the things that ineluctably enter our ears and then are given carte blanche to nestle in our souls, outside of really anything inside, truth is hard to find. even if you find it, it's gonna be hard to keep. to you, it may simply be Truth, the key to all the locks but, to someone else, it'll just be your truth, nothing more. that's why truth doesn't get purchased much, or even given urgency; it's so easily thrown aside for things without baggage. but, really, jack nicholson said it perfectly. can you handle the truth? you probably can't answer that right now, because you haven't picked truth up yet. but, when you do, when truth is no longer in your reach but in your hands, when that day comes along... what are you gonna do with it?

(still confused... still relevant)

jobs

2011-05-20T18:49:00.001-07:00

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

we are made to be our brother's keeper.

2011-05-17T22:26:00.001-07:00

yep.

2011-05-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

done.

2011-05-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

seeing love softens you.

now,
(the past is the past, but...)
here's the little gem that sparkled in my heart before my brain snuffed it out:
a kiss on your forehead
...
and...
breathe.

The Sea of Galilee

2011-04-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

You calm the raging sea.
(singing this over you)

inside-out

2011-04-02T00:17:00.000-07:00

everything's different.
everything's the same.

vistas

2011-03-16T21:05:00.001-07:00

As I scribble this, my ears are filled with sweet sounds made by a trio of even sweeter French kids, and the Red Sea (far from red, they're really the bluest waters I've ever seen. Not the tropical kind of blue either... closer to a cerulean blue, my favorite Crayola crayon when I was around 10) strolls along merely steps away, going on her merry way, untroubled by the dry, desert gales. Everything is beautiful... but, whilst whirling around me, the winds casually pick up grains of sand and drop them off in my eyes. By rote, I blink- more than just coping with the dust, though, I've shut my eyes to the beauty before me. In a heartbeat, for a flying bit, I am detached.

This is not to say that one should never blink. On the contrary, please remember to blink. It's the only way one's eyes will be kept in tip-top shape and hang on to its capacity to behold beauty. Well, in theory. Just like how Adam lives in theory according to Lauryn. But theory borders philosophy which borders reality which borders truth which is quite knotty so...

...At any rate, I look back at days and years and descry, among familiar faces, a silhouette of dissatisfaction. It's disconcerting... this figure that has long escaped consideration and yet has managed to cast its shadow on many a facets of life, all while politely robed in a veneer of the pursuit of better things... I see myself, having borrowed the robe, seeking "to gild the refined gold, to paint the lily, to throw perfume on the violet, to smooth the ice, or to add another hue", as Shakespeare once said.

I once was blind, but now I see (a little more).

j

2011-02-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

we will grow old together and pass into eternity holding hands
:)

2011-02-18T10:40:00.000-08:00

"Hope is an anchor and love is a ship, time is the ocean and life is a trip.
From the beginning of creation I think our maker had a plan,
for us to leave these shores and sail beyond the sand,
and let the good light guide us through the waves and the wind
to the beaches and a world where we have never been."

maya angelou, 20 January 1993

2011-01-28T04:50:00.000-08:00

A Rock, A River, A Tree.
Hosts to species long since departed,
Marked the mastodon, the dinosaur,
Who left dry tokens of their sojourn here.
Any broad alarm of their hastening doom
Is lost in the gloom of dust and ages.

But, today, the Rock cries out to us,
Clearly, forcefully,
Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your distant destiny,
But seek no haven in my shadow.
I will give you no more hiding place down here.

You, created only a little lower than the angels,
Have crouched too long in the bruising darkness,
Have lain too long, face down in ignorance,
Your mouths spilling words armed for slaughter.

The Rock cries out to us today,
You may stand upon me,
But do not hide your face.

Across the wall of the world a River sings a beautiful song,
It says,
Come, rest here by my side.
Each of you a bordered country,
Delicate and strangely made,
Proud, yet thrusting perpetually under siege.
Your armed struggles for profit have left collars of waste upon my shore,
Currents of debris upon my breast.
Yet, today, I call you to my riverside,
If, you will study war no more.

Come,
Clad in peace and I will sing the songs the Creator gave to me,
When I and the Tree and the Rock were one.
Before cynicism was a bloody sear across your brow,
And when you yet knew,
You still knew nothing.

The River sang and sings on.

There is a true yearning to respond to the singing River and the wise Rock.
So say the Asian, the Hispanic, the Jew,
The African and Native American, the Sioux,
The Catholic, the Muslim, the French, the Greek,
The Irish, the Rabbi, the Priest, the Sheikh,
The Gay, the Straight, the Preacher,
The privileged, the homeless, the Teacher.
They all hear the speaking of the Tree.

They hear the first and last of every Tree speak to humankind today.
Come, to me,
Here, beside the River.
Plant yourself beside the River.

Each of you, descendant of some passed on traveler,
Has been paid for.

You, who gave me my first name,
You, Pawnee, Apache, Seneca,
You, Cherokee Nation,
Who rested with me,
Then forced on bloody feet,
Left me to the employment of other seekers--
Desperate for gain,
Starving for gold.

You, the Turk, the Swede, the German, the Eskimo, the Scot,
You, the Ashanti, the Yoruba, the Kru,
Bought, sold, stolen,
Arriving on a nightmare,
Praying for a dream.

Here, root yourselves beside me.

I am that Tree planted by the River which will not be moved.

I, the Rock, I, the River, I, the Tree,
I am yours--your Passages have been paid.

Lift up your faces,
You have a piercing need for this bright morning dawning for you.

History, despite its wrenching pain,
Cannot be unlived but, if faced,
With courage, need not be lived again.

Lift up your eyes upon this day breaking for you.
Give birth again to the dream.

Women, children, men,
Take it into the palms of your hands.
Mold it into the shape of your most private need.
Sculpt it into the image of your most public self.
Lift up your hearts.
Each new hour holds new chances for new beginnings.
Do not be wedded forever to fear,
Yoked eternally to brutishness.

The horizon leans forward,
Offering you space to place new steps of change.
Here, on the pulse of this fine day,
You may have the courage to look up, and out, and upon Me,
The Rock, the River, the Tree,
Your country.

No less to Midas, than the mendicant.
No less to you, now, than the mastodon, then.

Here on the pulse of this new day,
You may have the grace to look up, and out,
And into your sister's eyes,
And into your brother's face,
Your country,
And say, simply,
Very simply,
With hope,
Good morning.

2011-01-19T10:29:00.000-08:00

His construction is familiar, my ears know him well. Even so, he is a stranger to my eyes. Yet, blink- unannounced, he is standing before me. Sweepingly rousing, deeply lustrous, openly true... You are warm shelter.

You, grizzled and weathered by a lifetime's dispossession. It is uncalculated and quiet bemusement that meets you at the door- seldom are characters like you. Before apologies for my daze can be framed, the stillness is rent by sounds of music.

You sing over me and, then and there, happiness is made unsheltered and all I know is JOY.

King of Kings

2011-01-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

"And now a very curious thing happened. None of the children knew who Aslan was any more than you do; but the moment the Beaver had spoken these words everyone felt quite different. Perhaps it has sometimes happened to you in a dream that someone says something which you don't understand but in the dream it feels as if it has some enormous meaning - either a terrifying one which turns the whole dream into a nightmare or else a lovely meaning too lovely to put into words, which makes the dream so beautiful that you remember it all your life and are always wishing you could get into that dream again. It was like that now. At the name of Aslan each one of the children felt something jump in its inside...
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.""

alvin + fred

2010-12-24T19:12:00.001-08:00

kind hearts.
(film!!!!!)

the remote (and radical) middle

2010-12-22T14:53:00.000-08:00

I'm awakened by the sun beating down on me. I'm drifting- a boat undulating to the rhythm of the sea. Ah, there the horizon is... always constant, always steady. I'm drifting- amidst the tension of the glorious future and the dispirited now- the whispering wind rouses the sails of my heart onward toward a kingdom to come while my mind makes port to establish a kingdom now. Yes, there will be a day when home is found and yes, things will be made brightly beautiful. But, the existence of an eternity does not vacate the existence of a now- the horizon and the boat exist together. It doesn't follow that earth is but an episode that would only, in the fullness of time, be cast away as a slight waiting period that persists solely to usher in an all-important eternity. Yes, we are waiting and, yes, this is but a period in time. But, is all waiting all sedentary? I've been at sea too long, dancing to an ageless tempo with an inescapable tide. The sea has robbed me of the gospel that eternity has no beginning. But I've been awakened! Eternity is now(?)

shadrach meshach lockridge

2010-11-02T01:50:00.000-07:00

"My King was born King. The Bible says He's a Seven Way King. He's the King of the Jews- that's a Racial King. He's the King of Israel- that's a National King. He's the King of righteousness. He's the King of the Ages. He's the King of Heaven. He's the King of Glory. He's the King of Kings and He is the Lord of Lords. Now that's my King.

Well, I wonder if you know Him. Do you know Him? Don't try to mislead me. Do you know my King? David said the Heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament show us His handiwork. My King is the only one of whom there are no means of measure that can define His limitless love. No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shoreless supply. No barriers can hinder Him from pouring out His blessing.

Well, Well... He's enduringly strong. He's entirely sincere. He's eternally steadfast. He's immortally graceful. He's imperially powerful. He's impartially merciful. That's my King. He's God's Son. He's the sinner's Saviour. He's the centerpiece of civilization. He stands alone in Himself. He's honest. He's unique. He's unparalleled. He's unprecedented. He's supreme. He's preeminent. He's the loftiest idea in literature. He's the highest personality in philosophy. He's the supreme problem in higher criticism. He's the fundamental doctrine of true theology. He's the carnal necessity of spiritual religion. That's my King.

He's the miracle of the age. He's the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him. He's the only one able to supply all of our needs simultaneously. He supplies strength for the weak. He's available for the tempted and the tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He guards and guides. He heals the sick. He cleanses the lepers. He forgives sinners. He discharges debtors. He delivers the captives. He defends the feeble. He blesses the young. He serves the unfortunate. He regards the aged. He rewards the diligent and He beautifies the meek.

Do you know Him? Well, my King is a King of knowledge. He's the wellspring of wisdom. He's the doorway of deliverance. He's the pathway of peace. He's the roadway of righteousness. He's the highway of holiness. He's the gateway of glory. He's the master of the mighty. He's the captain of the conquerors. He's the head of the heroes. He's the leader of the legislatures. He's the overseer of the overcomers. He's the governor of governors. He's the prince of princes. He's the King of kings and He's the Lord of lords. That's my King.

My King? His office is manifold. His promise is sure. His light is matchless. His goodness is limitless. His mercy is everlasting. His love never changes. His Word is enough. His grace is sufficient. His reign is righteous. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I wish I could describe Him to you... but He's indescribable. He's incomprehensible, He's invincible, He's irresistible.

I'm coming to tell you this, that the heavens of heavens cannot contain Him, let alone a man explain Him. You can't get Him out of your mind. You can't get Him off of your hands. You can't outlive Him and you can't live without Him. The Pharisees couldn't stand Him, but they found out they couldn't stop Him. Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him. The witnesses couldn't get their testimonies to agree about Him. Herod couldn't kill Him. Death couldn't handle Him and the grave couldn't hold Him. That's my King.

He always has been and He always will be. I'm talking about He had no predecessor and He'll have no successor. There's nobody before Him and there'll be nobody after Him. You can't impeach Him and He's not going to resign. That's my King! That's my King!

Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Well, all the power belongs to my King. We're around here talking about black power and white power and green power, but it's God's power. Thine is the power. Yeah! And the glory. We try to get prestige and honor and glory for ourselves, but the glory is all His. Yes. Thine is the Kingdom and the power and glory, forever and ever and ever and ever. How long is that? And ever and ever and ever... And when you get through with all of the evers, then... Amen!"

"As Young As Your Dreams, As Old As Your Cynicism"

2010-10-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

(Sometimes) I can’t help but be sickened by humanity- physically nauseated to the pit of my stomach by the filthy depths of the human soul (please note that there have only been a handful of times I've tasted of this... now being one). The irreconcilable divide between the peaks and valleys of human capacity is something I haven’t been able to even begin to reckon with. To grapple with the polarity of, say, one person’s ability to, without so much as a pause, instinctively lay down his life for another and another person’s ability to kill or enslave is beyond my mind’s scope- we are of the same man, we are of the same species, and we are of the same beautiful Maker. Why then is humanity capable of such radically different courses? I’ve almost hit the floor by the weight of injustice in this world- it’s incredibly heavy and my weatherman of a mind is forecasting uninterrupted overcast. It’s hard to concentrate your legs’ strength, pick yourself up to look above the clouds, and see that the sun is poised precisely and properly behind the grey. There is indeed light, though, whether I take note of it or not or choose to be enveloped by the toasty warmth of its rays- the weight of God’s glory and promises is far surpassing that of any other heaviness… though that reality always seems to conveniently fall from my wit’s reach. It’s far easier to settle in a bed of disillusionment, drape yourself with despondency, and allow the blues to lull you to sleep. When the present is alive, it’s hard to remember that eternity is as well.

All things will be made new, all things will be made right, and all things will be judged.

But, until then, I am right here, right now. I’m sick, yes sick, of working for the sake of consequence- if I’m working, I better be working because I am ready to give my last breath, not because I want a dream realized... after all, there's no ceiling to dreaming. I’m weak, I’m weaving to and fro, and I’m losing my balance because gravity always wins. This is plan B: I’m leaning into You- I’m walking with psalm 27:13-14 in my heart and me in Your arms.

2010-10-01T23:29:00.000-07:00

this is so bizarre that it makes me so happy that i've got to keep a record-
why is my mom ending all her emails to me with "love & peace"?

i've got a project!

2010-09-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

the 180 :)

2010-09-01T01:02:00.000-07:00

i'll be honest (i say that far too much)-
i don't like thinking
unless it's done consciously. (what???)
listen,
don't you think
sometimes thoughts are so graceless?
(is shameless a better word for this? ah, who cares)
think about it.
thoughts.
they just open the door to your mind
and walk (more like barge) in
(why are you here?!!!!?!?!?!!?)
you. i'm talking to you.
how do you always find a way in?
i coulda sworn i changed the locks...
i coulda sworn i moved away...
hold on.
don't get me wrong.
i love you.
(i wish i loved you less... uh did i just say that out loud?)
anyway, i love you.
i wouldn't still be here if i didn't (right?)
but
i don't like thinking about you
but
i think about you a lot
but
so many (conflicting) feelings surface when i think about you
that i actually don't know what to think about you.
what i mean to say is this
i doubt you more than anyone i know
and though you will never know that,
i'm sorry- i can't seem to filter what goes (on) in my mind.

2010-08-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

being confident in God's ABSOLUTE character and promises.
in other words, God doesn't take risks, so we can.
- deyoung

w.o.w

storytellin'

2010-08-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

you arrest me,
always.

words

2010-08-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

find the hidden words... makes you strangely happy

better quality here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129111163

"Words have the power to shape the way we think and feel. In this stunning video, filmmakers Will Hoffman and Daniel Mercadante bandy visual wordplay into a moving exploration of how language connects our inner thoughts to the outside world."

2010-08-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

seek His face, not His hands.

rooted in His character/Word,
not His favor/miracles/blessing.

w.o.w

Booked.

2010-08-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm off in 15 days, 19 days, 34 days, and 36 days :)

happy tunes!

2010-08-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

2010-07-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

my sorry paint job.
speaking of sorry,
sorry-
this is how i see it,
this is where i'm at.

safari

2010-07-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

mexico -> boston -> las vegas -> korea -> new zealand -> ? -> new zealand -> japan -> ?

CHANGES:
mexico -> boston -> las vegas -> sf -> japan -> korea -> home -> las vegas -> new zealand -> ? -> new zealand -> ?

too good to be true

2010-07-10T12:20:00.001-07:00

This man only gets better.

2010-07-09T02:15:00.001-07:00

i'm all mixed up.
i don't know why this reminds me of you:

blahhhhhhhhhhhhh

2010-07-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

sigh.
i don't wanna accept it
because
you are so much better than that
you are so much smarter than that,
you are worth so much more than that,
you are in need of something so much more enduring than that.

2010-06-22T23:17:00.000-07:00

mmmhm

tonight

2010-06-22T04:48:00.000-07:00

unbeknownst to me, in the course of a night, a sour film had taken shape on my skin.

where did it come from?
when was it birthed?
how did it grow?
and, chiefly,
why do i care?

sourness and bitterness are shameless mates, so it wasn't long till steady thought led to vexation.

The End.
...until something ticked- i remembered your bursting laugh, your perfect smile that everybody loves, your puzzling capacity to cope...

what makes you, you?
or, for that matter,
what makes anyone who (s)he is?
what are people made of?

sadness now cloaked me- what ensued wasn't the warmth i was used to- it was sick, it was nauseating... it was so unsettlingly marked- that definitive moment you reckon that your assumptions, about people and their actions, are folly and you are left with but a disgusting feeling that pervades every little corner of your mind and soul... and, yes, a bitter taste in your mouth.

i'm sorry that the shadows of your past still loom-
whether you acknowledge it, accept it, or avoid it.
i'm sorry that you used to have much rosier eyes.
i'm sorry that you are a captive of your own mind.
i'm sorry that you are scared.

i love you more. still, more.

2010-06-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

you, get out
and
you, get outta my brain

"Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young"

2010-06-15T17:37:00.001-07:00

perSPECtive

2010-06-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

i don't know that i wanna be HERE, if Christ comes back

w.o.w

2010-05-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

why'd you ask that?

missing parts

2010-05-20T00:52:00.000-07:00

i wish i knew who took these!

je ne sais pas

2010-05-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

i'm confused.

tout moun se moun

2010-05-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

we're all human beings.
de jure.

52.56

2010-05-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

Life is short-
Hope in God

2010-05-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

the girl!

2010-05-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

the morning was beautiful. the sun seemed to have barely mustered up enough of itself to peek its rays over the light clouds. in a moment, the colors of life were embodied- the dazzling spots, the muted spots, and the ever-present grey spots. as partakers of this colored life, it makes sense that we are kaleidoscopic beings. we are, by nature, depraved. but, in another sense, we are, by nature, beautiful and good. i suppose the utmost should be this- no matter the flux, as a wholly redeemed people, we will be perfected.

overnight, every night, my sullied eyes are scaled away as new eyes take form and, with the newness that every morning brings, i newly see that the world is lost. but, like a perfectly covert decrescendo, i somehow find myself joining in on the chorus.

the world is a stage, life is a song, and we're all making music- i really do believe that. we're all making choices that echo through eternity. and, when our eternity "stops", in the roughest of times, it's not our emotions that show or even our intellect- it's our souls. so where is your soul?

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him."

what seems is not always what is. remember that when all seems lost, it isn't. as the old credo goes, "This too shall pass." just a ways away, there is hope, there is glory.

where the water is blue and the people are new

2010-04-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

spin

2010-04-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

"To understand all is to forgive all."

if only you knew

2010-04-10T02:06:00.001-07:00

... if only i knew.

why in the world am i waiting for you

2010-04-09T15:39:00.001-07:00

drag...

2010-04-01T14:53:00.001-07:00

bleck

:)

2010-03-30T11:45:00.001-07:00

mm freedom,
it tastes kindly like raspberries and dark chocolate

sigh no more

2010-03-26T13:48:00.000-07:00

love, it will not betray you, dismay you, enslave you
it will set you free

2010-03-26T02:36:00.000-07:00

just reminds me of u

This American Life

2010-03-26T00:17:00.000-07:00

so good

weekend lessons

2010-03-22T00:45:00.001-07:00

people think they can fool others... but everything is see-through
people lead secret lives... but people can't keep secrets
people have problems... but keeping up the facade > dealing
people say one thing... but do another (especially when it comes to emotions)

people are funny!
people have their own set of beautiful stories
people are 3D
people are surprises

i don't love you, but i always will

2010-03-20T22:09:00.001-07:00

sebajun

2010-03-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

brings back rather murky times... but, for tribute's sake.

2010-03-18T00:32:00.000-07:00

Heal the sick,
raise the dead,
cleanse those who have leprosy,
drive out demons.
Freely you have received, freely give.
Matthew 10:8

I just want to be found faithful...

2010-03-14T00:16:00.001-08:00

i have not seen you and i have not talked to you,
but you have been in my thoughts.
it is the most peculiar thing.

:)

2010-03-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

now.

2010-03-04T13:32:00.001-08:00

let light and love come rushing through the door

"we are hard-wired to be altruistic"

2010-03-01T13:28:00.001-08:00

Our Basic Human Pleasures: Food, Sex and Giving
By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF

Want to be happier in 2010? Then try this simple experiment, inspired by recent scholarship in psychology and neurology. Which person would you rather be:

Richard is an ambitious 36-year-old white commodities trader in Florida. He’s healthy and drop-dead handsome, lives alone in a house with a pool, and has worked his way through a series of gorgeous women. Richard’s job is stressful, but he spent Christmas in Tahiti. Unencumbered, he also has time to indulge such passions as reading (right now he’s finishing a book called "Half the Sky"), marathon running and writing poetry. In the last few days, he has been composing an elegy about the Haiti earthquake.

Lorna is a 64-year-old black woman in Boston. She’s overweight and unattractive, even after a recent nose job. Lorna is on regular dialysis, but that doesn’t impede her active social life or babysitting her grandchildren. A retired school assistant, she is close to her 67-year-old husband and is much respected in her church for directing the music committee and the semiannual blood drive. Lorna believes in tithing (giving 10 percent of her income to charity or the church) and in the last few days has organized a church drive to raise $10,000 for earthquake relief in Haiti.

I adapted those examples from ones that Jonathan Haidt, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia, develops in his fascinating book, "The Happiness Hypothesis." His point is that while most of us might prefer to trade places with Richard, Lorna is probably happier.

Men are no happier than women, and people in sunny areas no happier than people in chillier climates. The evidence on health is complex, but even chronic health problems (like those requiring dialysis) may have surprisingly little long-term effect on happiness, because we adjust to them. Beautiful people aren’t happier than ugly people, although cosmetic surgery does seem to leave patients feeling brighter. Whites are happier than blacks, but only very slightly. And young people are actually a bit less happy than older folks, at least up to age 65.

Lorna has a few advantages over Richard. She has less stress and is respected by her peers — factors that make us feel good. Happiness is tied to volunteering and to giving blood, and people with religious faith tend to be happier than those without. A solid marriage is linked to happiness, as is participation in social networks. And one study found that people who focus on achieving wealth and career advancement are less happy than those who focus on good works, religion or spirituality, or friends and family.

"Human beings are in some ways like bees," Professor Haidt said. "We evolved to live in intensely social groups, and we don’t do as well when freed from hives."

Happiness is, of course, a complex concept and difficult to measure, and John Stuart Mill had a point when he suggested: "It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied."

But in any case, nobility can lead to happiness. Professor Haidt notes that one thing that can make a lasting difference to your contentment is to work with others on a cause larger than yourself.

I see that all the time. I interview people who were busy but reluctantly undertook some good cause because (sigh!) it was the right thing to do. Then they found that this "sacrifice" became a huge source of fulfillment and satisfaction.

Brain scans by neuroscientists confirm that altruism carries its own rewards. A team including Dr. Jorge Moll of the National Institutes of Health found that when a research subject was encouraged to think of giving money to a charity, parts of the brain lit up that are normally associated with selfish pleasures like eating or sex.

The implication is that we are hard-wired to be altruistic. To put it another way, it’s difficult for humans to be truly selfless, for generosity feels so good.

"The most selfish thing you can do is to help other people," says Brian Mullaney, co-founder of Smile Train, which helps tens of thousands of children each year who are born with cleft lips and cleft palates. Mr. Mullaney was a successful advertising executive, driving a Porsche and taking dates to the Four Seasons, when he felt something was missing and began volunteering for good causes. He ended up leaving the business world to help kids smile again - and all that makes him smile, too.

So at a time of vast needs, from Haiti to our own cities, here’s a nice opportunity for symbiosis: so many afflicted people, and so much benefit to us if we try to help them. Let’s remember that while charity has a mixed record helping others, it has an almost perfect record of helping ourselves. Helping others may be as primal a human pleasure as food or sex.

makes me happy

2010-02-25T10:29:00.000-08:00

this is what i need

2010-02-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven.

neno

2010-02-05T00:17:00.001-08:00

☒ Genesis 010610
☒ Exodus 011810
☒ Leviticus 012210
☒ Numbers 020210
☒ Deuteronomy 020410
☒ Joshua 021010
☒ Judges 021710
☒ Ruth 021810
☒ 1 Samuel 030110
☒ 2 Samuel 031710
☒ 1 Kings 032410
☒ 2 Kings 033010
☒ 1 Chronicles 040710
☒ 2 Chronicles 041610
☒ Ezra 041910
☒ Nehemiah 041910
☒ Esther 042010
☒ Job 042410
☒ Psalm 050510
☒ Proverbs 051110
☒ Ecclesiastes 051210
☒ Song of Solomon 051210
☒ Isaiah 052110
☒ Jeremiah 060210
☒ Lamentations 060310
☒ Ezekiel 063010
☒ Daniel 070510
☒ Hosea 070510
☒ Joel 0701310
☒ Amos 071910
☒ Obadiah 071910
☒ Jonah 072710
☒ Micah 072710
☒ Nahum 072810
☒ Habakkuk 072810
☒ Zephaniah 072810
☒ Haggai 072810
☒ Zechariah 072910
☒ Malachi 072910
☒ Matthew 080510
☒ Mark 081210
☒ Luke 081710
☒ John 082110
☒ Acts 082710
☒ Romans 090110
☒ 1 Corinthians 090310
☒ 2 Corinthians 090410
☒ Galatians 090810
☒ Ephesians 091010
☒ Philippians 091410
☒ Colossians 091410
☒ 1 Thessalonians 091510
☒ 2 Thessalonians 091610
☒ 1 Timothy 091610
☒ 2 Timothy 091610
☒ Titus 091710
☒ Philemon 091710
☒ Hebrews 091710
☒ James 091810
☒ 1 Peter 091810
☒ 2 Peter 091810

☒ 1 John 092110

☒ 2 John 092110

☒ 3 John 092110

☒ Jude 092110

mmm

2010-01-31T23:38:00.000-08:00

'cos my life only began when i heard you call my name'